I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about creating, the act of creation and the purpose of creation.
Do you ever have those dreams that you’re not quite capable of doing something and while you’re not able to be what you need to be despite all your efforts, you feel innately responsible for not being able to do them? I’ve had my share of dreams where the guilt of not being good enough was palpable. The feeling of guilt for being born without the tools to do what you need to do it intense, often times, I wake up out of breath.
My art seems to run off of rules that have been collected through years of doing what I love to do, which is art and only art. I have little other interests outside creating art, it’s always been this way… but why?
I think the answer to why lies firmly with what my subconscious is telling me in dreams and comes down to one word: Control. To tell you the truth, with 90 percent of what I paint, I have no idea where it comes from, no clue… what I DO know is that letting it come out lets me feel worthwhile in doing it. Why? Why do I feel successful when I paint, just to question constantly whether it was good after I’m done with it? I know that a lot of artists feel lie hacks, even when they’re successful and, though I’ve heard this applied to many many artists, I guess I just assumed that, somehow, I was an anomaly and more success would make me feel less of a hack…
A lot of my day consists of wondering if I’m going to make it to the next day, that may seem melodramatic, but it doesn’t make it any less true. To tell you the truth, I’ve never been more pleased with a project as I am with the “Alphabet of Fantastic Beings” The whole process of creating it was thrilling but now that it’s done… So much of my personal value is wrapped up in if this book is successful with you, the viewer.
I suppose this isn’t too strange… as far as I’m concerned, my part is finished, art is only truly art when it’s able to communicate with people… touch them, whatever. It’s as though I sent a message into space headed for Mars and need to wait back for a message saying that you received it, understand it and want it in your life.
I don’t know, what I DO know is that I’m rambling with little intention to proof-read this (as always)… I would like to dive into the natures of aesthetics etc. on some later day.
Please, look at the new book, it’s up for pre-sale.